'Tis the season, fly by night and a hot mess

Dear Rachel,

Merry Christmas, very, very, very… early. OCTOBER. What’s with Christmas sales, T-Day and holidays other than Halloween in October? Went to stores that are selling it all. I ask you, do I buy now to support the China economy and some USA companies? Is it wise to go to yard sales that are up for grabs from the rich leaving Durango? Oh, is it wise to buy New Year’s stuff now, as it is for sale also?

– Billy Holiday

Dear William Vacation,

Wait, who is leaving Durango? You have to be rich to move here now. Is it so bad that not even the rich can afford to stay? Hallelujah! Maybe now we will finally see substantive change. I’m not rich enough to know what the solutions will be, but maybe finally, at least those of us in an elevated tax bracket will be able to afford housing that allows dogs, doesn’t require roomies and actually feels safe to take your shoes off. 

– Ho ho ho, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s amazing to me that credit card companies can take about 10 seconds to decide, with probably made-up income information, to give you access to many thousands of dollars. I just got my first airline card, and bam! I have like quadrupled my purchasing power. It’s easy for me to see how I can use this power for evil. But how can I use this gift for good? 

– Sky’s the Limit

Dear Extra Credit,

You can say yes whenever cashiers ask you to round up for charity. You can set up recurring donations from your card to the local organizations of choice. You can tip your favorite weekly letter answerer. You could also take the initial bonus miles you got (you did get sign-on bonus miles, right?), book a flight to Latin America, buy a bungalow, cut up the card and disappear for good.

– Always a cashless option, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I was at work, apparently the only one working, because I walked back to the lunch room to all my coworkers in tears. They’d all just done something called the chip challenge, where you eat some wafer of massive heat and it turns your tongue blue just to prove your stupidity. Two of them ended up lying naked on the bathroom floor to cool down before puking. Can you freaking explain the appeal of this to me?

– Feeling Chipper

Dear Half the Rescue Rangers,

My best friend is also an idiot. He took the challenge and ended up begging me to take him to the hospital. I didn’t, because he got over it. His other friend is Mr. Macho Manly Man, who did not like when I pointed at him and blurted, “Oh my god, you’re crying!” But hey, arguably, this whole thing eating away our esophaguses (esophagi?) is better than having Christmas shoved down our throats. 

– Unpalatable, Rachel