To lick or not to lick, concert coping and short people hugs

Dear Rachel,
I was just sending out some thank-you notes and hit a snag. How do you seal an envelope in the days of COVID? Is it kosher to lick them anymore? I Scotch Taped mine, but it just looked tacky, so I peeled off the tape as best I could and proceeded to lick them anyway. My hope is that any virus will die a slow heat death in the back of a mail truck before the cards hit mailboxes. But what’s a thanker to do?
– Thankless
Dear Licked,
The more pressing question is, do you pronounce it INvelope or ONvelope? I realized I’m a freak who says it both ways. It depends on the context. I don’t know what that context is, but something must make me switch from sounding like a blue-collar kid to an elocution student. So I’ve just taken to calling them letter condoms: they get the letters where they want to be, and then you throw that sucker away the moment you tear it. And to think we used to worry about anthrax.
– Address unknown, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I drove down to a small music festival south of the (state) border recently, and it was exhilarating to be around people again. Until it was just frustrating. This was in a park-like atmosphere where you could bring blankets or chairs. So what is camping chair etiquette? One day, we had two people with camping thrones set up in front of us. And the second night, the woman’s chair would have gotten $1,400/month in Durango, complete with built-in table and hibachi stove. I don’t expect you to not use a chair, but shouldn’t these bulky bastards stick to the back?
– Wingback Wingnut
Dear Chairnut of the Board,
Here’s the dealio. All bets are off. We’re out of doors in a sanctioned way for the first time since a less-sentient Cheeto ran the country, and we know we’re probably cruisin’ for a lockdown again, and also we have forgotten to consider that other people even exist, let alone that they have feelings and experiences and also paid hundreds of dollars to listen to far-away music on the grass. So either punch them out, move yer own blanket, or sit back, toke a smoke and pretend all is well.
– Table the motion, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
What’s the best way to hug a short person as a noticeably taller person? I feel awkward bending down and sticking my butt into the next zip code in order to complete the old one-arm-over-one-arm-under hug at their level. But I wonder if they feel awkward when I don’t bend down and their face is pressed against my sternum. I don’t know any short people well enough to ask them candidly. So are you short? And what would you say?
– No Shortage
Dear Awkward Giant,
You think that’s tough? I once knew a couple where the man was literally twice as tall as the woman. And I mean literally literally. I always wanted to ask them how it works to… you know… do things. Things like mutual foot massages. But I never got the cojones to ask. Maybe you’re better off to treat hugs like envelopes for the moment: don’t even bother. At least you’re not licking short people. Right? God, I hope you’re not licking them.
– Fist bump, Rachel
 

Got a burning question? Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com