Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania

Too old to Tik Tok, suck-ulents and Mary mania
Dear Rachel,
Can you explain to me what Tik Tok is? At first, it was just some Chinese company our temporary overlord wanted to ban. Now, it shows up as the videos in my Facebook feed that my much younger brother-in-law likes to tag me in. It feels like a non-thing, except that it’s very much a thing, and maybe now I’m just officially old because I don’t get it. I mean, is this how my parents felt when I asked them to buy me JNCOs in middle school?
– Too Old to Die Young
Dear Geezer,
Duh, Tik Tok is clearly an app targeted at a younger demographic for constructing videos for later transference to Facebook. Did you buy that explanation? Seriously, don’t rely on me for explaining what the cool kids are doing. I thought I was cool when I got invited to Gmail back in the day. Before that, I was the kid wearing sweatpants instead of baggy jeans. Such a cool chick.
– Hip to be square, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently got an adorable little single-pot succulent collection for my birthday. I called my friend to thank her, and the last words she said were, “Oh, don’t put it by your other plants in case it has bugs.” What a horrible parting shot. This is as bad as those one-night stands where you spend the next day googling how long after exposure it takes for chlamydia to show up on an STD test. Do I have any other options besides burning the adorable little succulent collection?
– Bad Pot
Dear Suck You Lint,
It’s worse than that. It’s more like those one-night stands where you’re googling how long until that stranger will show up in your pregnancy test. Because you’re potentially stuck with these little cactus wannabes for life. Watering them, repotting them, changing their soiled diapers. Your friend enlisted you in parenthood. You didn’t ask for that. So if you’re going to set fire to the buggers, do it soon, before you enter the second trimester.
– Green thumbs down, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My sister is way, way, way into the iconography of the Virgin Mary. Weird, because she’s not Catholic or even Christian, but that’s another story. She’s decked out her house and yard with statues and paintings and figurines of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Which is the same as the Virgin Mary Magdalene, right? All these names confuse me, and I’m not even sure we’re talking about the same person, which is fine except that now all these Marys are judging me. Can you give me the crib notes for keeping my Marias straight?
– Too Much Maryment
Dear Quite Contrary,
There is something rather Tolkienian about the Virgin Mary, huh? We should have to list all her titles, just like we do for Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King Elessar, the Elfstone; Isildur’s Heir, Thorongil of the Dunedain, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Strider, Ranger of the North, wielder of Anduril the Sword Reforged, and damn sexy with that greasy hair hanging in his face. Mary should try that look sometime. I’d wear that patch on my JNCOs.
– Blessed art thou, Rachel

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