Tough crowd, a hard sell & animal oddities

Dear Rachel,

My kid has started putting on sock puppet performances in the living room. So that’s my new circle of hell. The plays are actually fine, but my kid cannot sync up the sock’s talking motion with the words coming out of its mouth to save his life. It pulls me right out of the story every time because, dammit Junior, it’s obvious that Sock Griswold is not actually talking to me. Are there, like, sock puppetry classes he can take? Do drama programs cover this? What other options do I have?

– Socker Mom

Dear Mrs. Statler and Waldorf,

You have no choice but to heckle. Heckle long, heckle loud. Be merciless. Every time that sock clams up when the character is talking, throw rotten bananas at it. Every time its mouth flaps around like a last-gasp fish, jeer at it with the nastiest, snidest commentary you can think of. Something like, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” Yeah, that’s a good one. You must shame your kid into improving, or else giving up the arts altogether to become a tax auditor. 

– You sock, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Now that grumpy old men are restricting women’s right to choose, I see that a movement is going on to outlaw Viagra and Roman for old guys who say they need it. “Show me the proof,” the doc would say. This is for the grumpy old man who needs it. I guess they might think about this a long hard time if enacted. Your thoughts on this movement as a woman. So sad the old grumps make the laws for women’s rights.

– Dick Peckler

Dear Peck of Pickles,

I’m a little worried about how patients would show the proof. But I’m not a doctor, so I guess I wouldn’t have to worry about that. I’m actually all for banning Viagra for patients altogether. It should only be spouses and other life partners who get to request the prescription. And on THEIR terms. Like, they’re game to go once a month? Bam! One month Rx, one pill, refillable upon request.

– Lucky stiffs, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We’re totally used to seeing bears, right? Like, right there in the road, out my back window in the alley, etc. Is this how people in other places feel about their big animals? Like, do elephants rifle through the trash, and people in Thailand are like, no big deal? Or is this just a weird phenomenon with us bear people?

– Bearly Legal

Dear Oso Common,

Being, myself, a bear person, I can’t really speak to what it’s like living with giraffes or dire wolves or mastodons or anything. But I don’t see why they wouldn’t also wander into roads and alleys. It’s not like humans own their cities like they think they do. But for all the bear deterrent practices implemented around here, have we ever tried heckling them into giving up on their trash-can dreams?

– Grrr, Rachel