Tramp stamps, yellow snow and book thieves

Tramp stamps, yellow snow and book thieves
 
Dear Rachel,
Why do people have tattoos on their back side? Do they look at them in a mirror to see the art work? Or a tat they wish they didn’t do when drunk. Rachel tats or no tats on the back side? Hope you give a skin deep answer.
– INK SPOT
 
Dear Blotter,
Why do turtles have their shell on their back? Is it strange to you that a turtle can go her whole life and never really know what her own tortoiseshell pattern looks like? I also wonder about the poor designers who style the tags that go inside clothing. But most of all, I am intrigued by the idea that someone drunk enough to get a regrettable tat would also be cognizant enough to put it on their backside knowing full well they will regret it. It is probably a good thing that you and I don’t party together.
– Derriere connoisseur, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

With all this snow, I’ve become a little concerned for my dog. I’ve realized every time my dog pees, his pee is always yellow. So apparently he’s just been going about his day-to-day life always super freaking dehydrated. Can you give Pedialyte to dogs? 
– Yellow Lab
 
Dear Golden LMNO,
There is no admonition not to eat the slightly less white snow. So I, for one, am glad that the dogs of the world are dehydrated. It also saves me a ton in Gatorade expenses, which is handy because I already double my grocery bill with salmon skins and Zukes treats – and that’s just to give to the randos I pet on the street. Maybe we need to set up a marathon-style water station where we can hand paper cups of water to the neighborhood pups as they pull their owners down the street.
– Watch out where the huskies go, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Is there a statute of limitations on supposed friends giving you back the books you loaned them? Like, how long until it’s OK to start asking for them back? And how long until they assume moral ownership, like a common law marriage between your ex-book and your best friend? This is, of course, assuming you are willing to have the kind of friends who don’t return books like a bunch of monsters.
– Public Library
 
Dear Reading Room,
I’m reminded how states back east tend to have fence-in laws, and out here we tend to have fence-out laws. This is the wild, wild West. You don’t want your books to go missing? Don’t lend them out. I mean, or you could simply send a polite, passive-aggressive handwritten note asking if your monster friends enjoyed the book you lent them. But that’s just too much to do when such book thieves deserve to have prison tattoos tear-marked on their faces. 
– Due back every Thursday, Rachel

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