Tramp stamps, yellow snow and book thieves

 

 

Dear Blotter,

Why do turtles have their shell on their back? Is it strange to you that a turtle can go her whole life and never really know what her own tortoiseshell pattern looks like? I also wonder about the poor designers who style the tags that go inside clothing. But most of all, I am intrigued by the idea that someone drunk enough to get a regrettable tat would also be cognizant enough to put it on their backside knowing full well they will regret it. It is probably a good thing that you and I don’t party together.

– Derriere connoisseur, Rachel

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Dear Rachel,

 

Dear Golden LMNO,

There is no admonition not to eat the slightly less white snow. So I, for one, am glad that the dogs of the world are dehydrated. It also saves me a ton in Gatorade expenses, which is handy because I already double my grocery bill with salmon skins and Zukes treats – and that’s just to give to the randos I pet on the street. Maybe we need to set up a marathon-style water station where we can hand paper cups of water to the neighborhood pups as they pull their owners down the street.

– Watch out where the huskies go, Rachel

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Dear Rachel,

 

Dear Reading Room,

I’m reminded how states back east tend to have fence-in laws, and out here we tend to have fence-out laws. This is the wild, wild West. You don’t want your books to go missing? Don’t lend them out. I mean, or you could simply send a polite, passive-aggressive handwritten note asking if your monster friends enjoyed the book you lent them. But that’s just too much to do when such book thieves deserve to have prison tattoos tear-marked on their faces. 

– Due back every Thursday, Rachel