Tree shagging, spooning leads to forking, and freedoms
Dear Rachel,
It’s that time of year. I’m bracing for juniper allergies. I know trees gotta procreate, but why do they have to do it by dusting their intimate pollen all over the rest of us? Humans would go to jail for doing anything so publicly. I’m stocking up on tissues and Benadryl but any other life-saving advice?
– Ah choo
Dear Gesundheit,
Can you cryogenically freeze yourself until this is over? I know the technology is usually applied to dead people, hoping to come back in the future (as if it will be any better). But maybe you can make a case for thawing yourself back out once tree-mating season has passed. Just make sure you don’t sign up for the head-in-a-jar package. Get the full-body one. Or you’ll need someone to wipe your snot when you come back.
– My nose runneth over, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I finally move in with my boyfriend. It’s all going great, except for the silverware. It doesn’t make sense to keep two full sets. His came from his grandma when she passed. But mine also came from my grandma when she passed. Neither of us wants to package up our set as they’re sentimental to us. But one silverware drawer can’t contain both. How do we merge?
– Spooning with forks
Dear Silver-worn,
Oof. Sounds like you could cut that tension with your abundance of butter knives. The only solution I see is his-n-hers silverware drawers. Not nearly so dramatic as the his-n-hers beds, but I’m actually liking this idea. No future clashes over how you sort the spoons. No one to blame for the disarray in the drawer. Maybe you need entirely separate kitchens. Heck, maybe one of you should just move across the street.
– Missing some cutlery, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
You probably know the stand for First Amendment rights that Maria’s is making, which is as important as ever right now. But it got me wondering: would you stand up for our First Amendment rights? Or would you hand over all our questions, published and unpublished, to the authorities? I just want to go on record that the questions I send you are not a representative sample of my activities!
– Pleading the Fifth
Dear Legal Scholar,
For the authorities to seize our correspondence, they’d have to find me first! Muahaha! Not that that’s a challenge. Please don’t try to find me. I have nothing to hide; I just don’t have time for any search and seizure operations. Also, yes, duh, I’m a staunch pro-First advocate. If people were not free to say whatever they want to say… can you imagine how dull this advice column would be? We’d have to run it in the Herald.
– Amend this, Rachel
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