Two thumbs down and not-so feng shui

Dear Rachel,

Speaker McCarthy released over 40K hours of Jan. 6 tapes to Tucker Carlson. I ask, how much money did he get on the back side? Oh… sorry about the sexual reference.

– Fox Hole

Dear Cheeky,

“Back side” is a sexual reference? I can think of five other phrases with “back” that are most definitely sexual right off the bat (or right off the back, amirite?). You can’t seriously wonder why McCarthy released the footage to Tuchus Carlson, can you? I would have taken it, but I’m too busy backsliding into butt jokes to watch it.

– Shoulda gone with keister, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently mentioned I never understood why the movie “Zoolander” was so popular. It wasn’t just dumb, it genuinely was bland and flat. I nearly started a riot. Can we please stop treating my dislike of a subpar Stiller flick as a personal affront to goodness and humanity?

– More Like Boolander

Dear Siskel & Ebert,

Wow, I genuinely just had to Google check myself to make sure that it really was Siskel AND Ebert and not first name/last name Siskel Ebert. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve thought of them. Also, Siskel never got to sit through “Zoolander.” I looked up what Ebert said, and I can’t tell if he liked the movie or not, although he does use the word “tasteless.” So let’s just call it one thumb out sideways, and let it rest.

– Blue steel, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have a chair in my living room. It’s too small to be a chair for a normal, grown human. But it’s not so small as a comical kid’s chair, like one you end up sitting in for a parent-teacher conference. It just sits there, not being sat upon, making me feel like a slightly larger person than I am. Yet I can’t get rid of it, because it’s otherwise a perfectly solid piece of furniture. What can I do with this?

– Throne for a Loop 

Dear Chairperson,

Disproportionate things are so darn CUTE. Oh how I hope you set up this slightly tiny chair across from a slightly overstuffed armchair, with an end table with an oversized water tumbler and a slightly misshapen vase with teeny tiny flowers sticking out of it. Even if you don’t, you HAVE to hang onto it. It’ll be just perfect if you ever make a modestly tiny friend who needs a place to put their keister.

– Knew I’d work it in eventually, Rachel