Twofer suckers, planting conspiracies and doggy style
Dear Rachel,
So, I just ordered a fancy new $350 vacuum cleaner (don’t judge – I have a new dog who is a hairy beast and my daughter adopted a cat, which I am mildly allergic to, for reals). Anyway, the day it was delivered to my house, come to find I had received not one, but two vacuums. I checked all my credit cards, of which I have many (again – no judge) and can only find one charge. Do I just consider it a gift from the vacuum cleaner fairy and sell it online? Or do I “come clean” and notify the company of its error? Another worry is, if I hang onto it past the 30-day return period, will the second charge mysteriously appear and I’ll be stuck with two (expensive) vacuum cleaners. WWRD?
– Sucky Situation
Dear Hosed,
Obviously, you put that spare vacuum on cinder blocks in your back yard and keep it there as a parts vacuum. Because your vacuum WILL break. If it doesn’t happen from vacuuming up pet hair, it will happen from vacuuming up the pets themselves. You want to take that vac to the shop with a kitten stuck halfway up the suction pipe? No you don’t! You want to just pop on that replacement pipe from the parts vac, and then use the full-functioning vac to suck the kitten back out again.
– From suck to blow, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
If aloe vera plants are supposed to thrive on neglect and survive when I forget to water them for weeks, how is it that my roommate took some aloe vera starts and stuck them in a jar of water and now they’re flourishing? Have I been lied to my whole life about the low-water needs of my plants? Is this just a conspiracy to make me feel better about my neglect?
– Aloe Darkness
Dear Vera Wang,
Plants are one of God’s great mysteries. Not one of them lives naturally, natively, in a pot. Yet some of them thrive indoors, slurping down Miracle Gro, and others die because I look at them. Anyone who tells you they understand plants is a huckster, a shamster, a fraudster, or a freaking genius. Me? If I can’t eat it, I avoid it.
– Comes with a side salad, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
New puppy in the household, and with it new divisions in my marriage. Turns out I am the positive reinforcement one, using excited voices and treats to teach the dog what I want her to do. And my wife is the wicked stepmother, barking commands and shouting “NO!” and “UH-UH-UH-UH” all the time in a voice deeper than the Seven Dwarfs’ mines. My question, how do I break my wife of these habits before it breaks our relationship?
– Doghouse Awaits
Dear Good Boy,
Wow, two new puppy letters in a week? Makes me wonder if I got a hubby/wife tandem in the mail. Usually when both halves of a couple proposition me, I milk them for a bunch of free drinks before turning them down. Based on my convos with these couples, I might recommend you give dom/sub play a shot before deciding to break your wife of her stern, commanding ways.
– Red pineapple, Rachel
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