Uber virgin, tickled pink and the brush off

Dear Rachel,

I’m not used to things like Lyft and Uber, because I walk or ride my bike everywhere. But, I got to experience rideshare for the first time on a trip to the big city. I’m not a total recluse, I have ridden in a taxi before. But the app kept sending me notifications during the ride. Hello? I’m trying to keep conversation with the driver afloat, and you’re blowing up my phone! Why can’t they let me ride in peace?

– Backseat Driver

Dear One of THOSE People,

You really are a noob. The notifications are so you have an excuse not to talk to the driver. The drivers know full well your buzzing phone is asking you to leave them a tip. They really want to just listen to their music and get you where you’re going without having an allergic reaction to their way-too-much-cologne, because that’s bound to lead to bad ratings.

– Don’t speak, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

You said you would TP my dad’s house (“Pumpkin Head.”) If you do, would you shower it with pink if they have such a color? Pink is one of my favorite colors, and I also want to remind people that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

– Pumpkin Seed

Dear Pepita,

There are many areas of life that beg for more pizzaz. My tush is not one of them. Never have I ever wished for colored toilet paper. In fact, this is a time for distinctly NOT wanting unexpected colors. As if beets weren’t bad enough. Why don’t you TP your dad’s house your own damn self, with good ol’ stolen gas station TP, and drop your pink-paper slush fund on supporting breast cancer research.

– Your house, I’ll egg, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I always heard “brush your teeth after every meal.” But I don’t, because I’m a regular human being, and only nerds keep a toothbrush at work. Turns out, I might be right. I just read about how acids in food can temporarily weaken enamel, and brushing right away can wear down your teeth. What other childhood myths can I now disregard?

– Brushing Up

Dear Life Hacker,

The real antidote to brushing teeth is just to have every single one pulled and start wearing dentures. Just plop those puppies in a glass at the end of the night, and call it good. They come in handy in so many other ways, too. Like, you want to get out of an awkward conversation with the passenger in your Lyft? Just set your pearly whites on the dashboard.

– Say cheese, Rachel