Unexercising, second coming & zuke til you puke

Unexercising, second coming & zuke til you puke

Dear Rachel,
Do you have any smoke health advice? I mean besides the usual “stay inside, close the windows, don’t exercise” stuff. Obviously I already have masks. This is Durango, though. We’ve got to have some creative solutions that let us still live life to its fullest without scratching our lungs out with dead tree particles. I wondered, what does Rachel do? So I’m asking you.
– Smokey the Bored Bear

Dear On Fiyah,
Exercise already went virtual with the pandemic. People don’t actually run marathons. They just get the T-shirt that came with their registration fee. I don’t see why you shouldn’t take that a step further during fire season: say you WOULD have run a marathon, but DIDN’T for your health. Post murky pictures of the haze with captions like, “View from the run I didn’t take. 26.2, here I don’t come!” You can go to bed feeling good about your health and being obnoxiously public about it.
– Don’t run, Forrest, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I am the first to acknowledge that I form my own bubble. I’ve pretty much cut out people who believe that bigotry, racism and incivility are acceptable. But I can’t root out the friends of my friends. So, I put on one of those old-time scuba suits and took a deep dive into Facebook comments from Trump supporters. They really, truly believe he is Christ’s candidate. How the actual eff has satire become so real?
– Donald Stumped

Dear Oxygen Deprivation,
He’s as much Christ’s candidate as Ben Affleck is the real Batman. But get this: I wanted to use the name of those old-time scuba suits in my reply. Turns out they’re just called diving suits. What really got me, though, is that the first ones (from the 1710s) were literally a long barrel with two arms sticking out. Which means, among many things, that they would make fine presidential candidates that do not crack under pressure.
– Going down, Rachel


Dear Rachel,
Too. Much. Zucchini. Enough already. Every amateur gardener in my hood and in my family planted zucchini again, and they’re leaving bags full of obscenely monstrous produce on my porch. I can’t eat all this. Even if I could, why would I want to? God made so many delicious foods, but my cupboards are full of the most boring squash on the planet. What’s my safe way to enjoy disposing of the excess zuke without hurting any gardener’s tender little feelings?
– Zucchinonono

Dear Delicate Squash Blossom,
You take one picture of you eating zucchini. Make sure it’s cut up and all its identifying features (skin tone, scars, tattoos, etc.) are cooked beyond recognition. You send that picture to each household that gifted you its bounty. You thank them profusely, and stress that you’ll be eating on their gift into next December. Then you donate the rest to Manna. What, you expected something snarky? It’s food, dude(tte). Don’t waste it.
– Children in China, etc., etc., Rachel
 

Top Shelf

Stay calm and folk on
Stay calm and folk on
By Chris Aaland
09/03/2020

KSUT streams virtual Four Corners Folk Festival this Friday
 

The father of folk
The father of folk
By Chris Aaland
08/27/2020

Remembering Pagosa festival founder Dan Appenzeller

 

Remembering two singing cowboys
Remembering two singing cowboys
By Chris Aaland
07/09/2020

More than a century ago, Ada Habershon and Charles Gabriel wrote what would become one of the most popular Christian hymns of all-time, “Will the Circle Be Unbroken.”

A secret mission
A secret mission
By Chris Aaland
06/25/2020

Gather the backyard 'quaranteam' for reimagined community concerts

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

A day at the beach
A day at the beach
By Stephen Eginoire
06/18/2020

What does one do when their favorite summer swimming hole is teeming with reptilian and amphibian aquatic life?

Soaking it up
Soaking it up
05/21/2020
Local color: Telegraph coloring page winners
Local color: Telegraph coloring page winners
04/30/2020

A look at some (OK, all) of the Telegraph's coloring page submissions

Sole man
Sole man
03/12/2020

At the age of 19, Durango’s Mervin “Merv” Stilson started making shoes and never looked back (except for the time he made a Western-style jacket for Neil Young).

Read All in Day on the Life