Unmasking Rachel, punctuation anarchy & unskilled labor

Unmasking Rachel, punctuation anarchy & unskilled labor

Dear Rachel,
I just had coffee with my friends in person for the first time in a year. Yeah, we’ve been uber careful. One of the things we used to do is always read your section of the paper out loud to each other. We’re glad Covid didn’t take you out! Unless you can’t be taken out, because you’re larger than just one person? Come on, it’s springtime. Can’t you give us at least a clue who you really are?
– On the Case

Dear Mystery Coffee Club,
When you look at me, tell me what you see. You see Rachel? Now let me tell you what I see. I see pride. I see power. I see a badass mutha, who don’t take no crap from nobody. I’m your worst nightmare, your scariest dream, your sexiest enemy. My milkshake brings… well, not much of anyone to the yard, but who cares, because I am legend. I am your father. I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman!
– Sam I am, Rachel


Dear Rachel,
Here’s a question for you. When using both a question mark and an exclamation point, which one do you put first? Is there a hard-and-fast order of things, or does it depend on context, or do we live in anarchy and it can go either which way? I know which one I think is the right answer, but there’s no such thing as consistent usage, and it’s driving me crazy. 
– Questioning Enthusiasm

Dear Radiant Doubt,
Before people go all Silver Bullet on my previous answer: those aren’t actually clues. I literally typed in “movie quotes i am” and used a bunch of what came up. Unless I’m just throwing you off the scent by telling you they aren’t clues but they really are clues?!?!?! Here’s the real thing we need in this society: a new punctuation mark that means “an excited question.” Like, maybe it’s a ^ with a . underneath. Or something truly bananas, like the symbol for pi. Now I want banana cream pie.
– Full stop, Rachel


Dear Rachel,
So let me preface this by saying that I fully believe in paying artists and other skilled professionals generously, even gratuitously, for their time. A lot of learning and practice goes into being able to do what they do. That said! My cousin just started crocheting/ knitting/whatever bunny rabbit toys for Easter like a month ago. She has not practiced or dedicated herself. And she’s asking $200 a pop because “one rabbit takes me 20 hours to make.” Tell me, do we need to pay novices extra because they are slow? Or can I bop her on the head now?
– Little Bunny Poo-Poo

Dear Goon,
Fine fine FINE. Since you all won’t stop asking me, I give up. I, Rachel, she of the weekly advice column and inevitable future Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me panelist, am really… just a normal everyday girl. April Fools…?! You’ve probably seen me on the street, or on my bike, or on my bike on the street. Or writing this column furiously. It takes me 20, 30 hours a week, so feel free to pay me handsomely as compensation for the ongoing drama.
– Cash only, Rachel
 

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