V-Day, laundry lists and fire cocks

Dear Rachel,

I need some serious V-Day help, because I’m a dumb-dumb who started a relationship like a month ago. It’s not even officially tell-your-friends serious yet, but definitely trending that way. So what do you get a lady partner with that vague-but-promising relationship status? Roses feel cliché but mandatory. Lingerie is out. Chocolate is always dicey. Help!

– Clueless in Love

Dear Hapless Gumshoe,

Dude. It’s, like, nine months until Veterans Day. You have SO MUCH TIME. Take those months to get to know your lady partner and see what develops. You’re bound to have some inside jokes and meaningful insights by November. I mean, you could even have a baby by then, if you play your Valentine’s Day cards really, really poorly. But whatever develops, chocolate is never dicey. Not if you get the good stuff.

– Don’t skimp, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It seemed like I was the only person on the planet not working from home during the pandemic. But now, I have a whole new respect for anyone getting anything done ever the last four years working form home. There is always laundry! And dogs demanding attention! And your bed just 20 steps away! And a fridge! Are we nuts to try working from home? Or nuts thinking we should work so much when we’re not at home?

– House Arrest

Dear Part Timer,

I recently saw some expert on TikTok, so you know she’s got it together, share how worker productivity has gone up something like 60% in the last 50 years but salaries have only gone up 17%. We’re due for a course correction. Like, we still say 9-5, but anyone knows it’s 8-5 because of lunch breaks, and 7-6 because of commuting, and 6:45-6 because we wake up in a panic right before we have to leave the house. I say enough. I’m on strike! As soon as I finish this installment.

–Proudly in PJs, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need your help and thoughts on this. The fire plugs on our street are covered with snow. I am old and can’t shovel like I did when young. Should I ask the kids in the neighborhood to shovel for free? Don’t want to be a grump. I know the city folk are busy with snow on the streets. Kids in high school are on TIC TOC and busy. Should I call the high school for kids to shovel for free and save a home?

– Old Grand Ma

Dear Mother Hubbard,

If you do call the school, don’t speak directly to the kids. They’ll covertly record you and post it on TikTok, knowing you’ll never find it. Also, what the hey is a fire plug? Do you have fire raging in your neighborhood, held at bay only by the tenuous and honorable service of a rubber stopper? Or… hmm… is a fire plug a new plaything for V-Day? If so, get that thing out of the snow! Unless you’re into temperature play.

– Snowed in, Rachel