Vegging out, poisoning young minds & seedy thoughts

Dear Rachel,

A victory garden is doing well across the street from Mountain Auto on E. 8th Ave. Who would have thought to put a garden on city property? They have made a high-rise victory garden on the dirt between the street and sidewalk. What a great idea and no weeds as you see around the corner. Hey, this might be your calling to locate new locations in the city. I know you will love it, as it is good for Mother Earth and veggies for all. Are you going to make a planter and plant for this fall or next spring? Oh, it may be illegal? Your thoughts?

– String Bean

Dear Thread Legume,

My calling? How is this MY calling? The gods of fecundity and abundance placed this victory garden idea in YOUR path, not mine. YOU should start walking around like a regular Johnny Appleseed (or Stringy Squashseed, or whatever you feel like sticking in the ground around town). I, for one, can’t wait to eat for free from the cracks in the sidewalk. A whole new kind of crack whore.

– Gobble up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My kid started asking me questions about pollutants. Oil on the streets, dog poop on the trails, and where does it all go? Well, basically into the ground and into the river, I said. Then where? And where after that? I had no good answer, and it finally dawned on me, at way too late an age, that it goes nowhere. Ignorance certainly is bliss, and now knowledge is agony. How can I go back to living without worrying over what I’m breathing and drinking every moment of the day?

– Trashed Mama

Dear Mommy Issues,

Your first problem was having kids. If you can pass them on to another, already jaded adult, do it. Step two is building your tolerance back up to pre-child levels, when you could swallow a gallon of river water (or worse, Mountain Dew) without thinking twice. So what if your brain cells weren’t capable of thinking more than once due to environmental contaminants? You were happier then.

– Glug glug, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m perpetually behind on life. Predominantly with voicemails and emails. The problem is, I write or call someone back, and they inevitably call or write me back, too. So knocking down my inbox is Sisyphean. I either sit at 200 emails and 20 voicemails, unanswered, in perpetuity, or I work my butt off getting it to half that size, only to wake up back where I started. How can I quit this circus and get off this merry-go-round?

– Groundhog Dazed

Dear Stuck on Loop,

Don’t like the rules? Change the game. Cancel your email address, and throw your phone in the river (without thinking of the pollutant factor). Give up your earthly possessions, except for like a fanny pack or an Osprey bag you can stuff with seeds. Take to wandering the streets and planting seeds. If you don’t starve the first year, you’ll have all the food you could ever eat, growing for free on city land. (Again, just don’t think of the pollutant factor.)

– Signing off, Rachel