Watered down, man baby and truth evasion

Dear Wet Blanket,

Water itself is not the problem with the government! We like water! For instance, “waterboarding” is still a perfectly fine word to use! What would be a real shame is if all the safe words (not including, of course, words like “safe”) took on alternate meanings in LGBTQ+ communities, among climate scientists or among women. Like, what if we made “MAGA” mean a very progressively gay anti-global-warming sex act? We could get it banned, probably!

– A hole in my bucket, Rachel

 

Dear Crybaby,

Think about it this way. If enough people put a Baby On Board sticker on the windshield, then the stickers would cease to have any meaning. We would have to elevate the game. “Baby On Board All The Time” might do it. Except then you’d just put that sticker on your car, invalidating it too. So maybe you just have to keep a carseat in your car as a decoy. Or – and this is radical– you could just let babies be rescued first.

– I’m a big kid now, Rachel 

 

Dear Shady Character,

You have to make the word “allegedly” your friend. If anything comes up in conversation or an interview that puts you in a less than favorable light, just hold up a finger and say it: “Allegedly.” You owe a lot in loans? Allegedly. You got evicted from an apartment back in the day? Allegedly. You once wrote a government grant for water storage? ALLEGEDLY. But good luck getting away with THAT heinous act.

– Under the microscope, Rachel