Wet January, doggie nail-biter and streak freaks

Wet January, doggie nail-biter and streak freaks

Dear Rachel,

Can you really drink THC beverages during dry January? Seems kind of self-defeating of the whole cleanse idea and a cop out – I won’t get drunk but I’ll still get all high’d up. Then again, if THC drinks are allowed, sign me up.

– Sober Curious

Dear Curious George,

I bet THC drinks leave your mouth feeling pretty cottony, so hells yes they’re allowed. So are dry cabernets. I’ll be honest, I’ve never understood how people way back when got so creative with language that they decided to characterize anything liquid as “dry.” Also, since “dry” means “sober,” does “not sober” mean “not dry” mean “wet?” God, we better not print in the newspaper that I’m wet, or that’ll open up a whole new cask of problems.

– Decidedly moist, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

My dogs are wild beasts who spend their days with me on trails, in parks, in yards. Basically anywhere that’s not paved. Yet I still need to cut their toenails. The vet says I need to walk them on the sidewalk to wear them down. But coyotes and wolves don’t walk on sidewalks! Do they get their manicures at the ranger station? Or are short nails a sign of domesticity, and I should just let my dogs grow free?

– Clawing for Answers

Dear Dog Scratch Fever,

You’ve hit the nail, as it were, on the head. Or is it on the bed? Do dogs even have nail beds like we do? Anyway, I have to think that coyotes sit in their dens with nail files actually sharpening their claws, rather than wearing them down. Rabbit fur is so darn soft that it’ll slip right out from under your paws unless you have fish hooks for nails. If dirt wore down their canine death-hands to innocent little nubs, they’d starve to death. Your dogs, however wild, are not predators. Cut their nails already. 

– Scratching the surface, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

What’s the etiquette on maintaining a Snapchat streak? My sister coerced me into Snapping with her the day she got a new cat, and now we have Snapped for 247 days straight. I want to go on a digital cleanse this month, but now I can’t take a phone break without breaking the streak, which might be the longest commitment my sister has ever maintained. Can I, like, hire some teen to send Snaps for me while I’m on hiatus? 

– Snap Crackle Pop

Dear Snapple,

Is a digital cleanse month like the techie version of dry January? Because if so, you just gotta keep it analog. Take pictures with a Polaroid, then send snaps of that print via your phone, and it’s a whole lot less digital than… oh, forget it. Just go dry already. Apologize for the streak, promise you’ll cut her cat’s nails in penance, then put the phone down and run off into the desert with enough THC water to survive the apocalypse. 

– Oh snap, Rachel

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