What the fooch, love triangle and odd cat out

Dear Rachel,

In regards to the thick paper or thin letter from last week, I think the dude probably complained when Sear’s catalogs went from black and white to color fooch wipe in the outhouses. I’m sure he used one in one of the national parks, as he is clueless on the forest. Save a fricking tree dude.

– Smokey Bear

Dear Forest Gump,

You need to know that even I, Rachel, consider some things sacred. My internet search history is one of them. But there are some lines that should not be crossed. Looking up to see if “fooch wipe” is outdated outdoorsman lingo, a typo or (worst of all) something else entirely, is something I don’t want on my conscience or on Google’s radar. But thanks for having my back, I think?

– On a roll, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m in a pretty tight-knit extracurricular social circle – let’s pretend it’s martial arts. We’re all friendly, sometimes too friendly, but hey. Speaking of which, one of my martial arts classmates, a woman my age, asked me out, and I said yes. But then she postponed our date because she said she wasn’t feeling well, then this week she avoided sparring with me. I wonder what’s up, unless she talked to the other classmate I dated, but we’re still friends so what else could be the reason? I just want to keep the peace in our little club.

– Social Butterflies

Dear Casanova,

Oh yeah, you done messed up. I don’t know how or when, but this sounds precisely like the behavior of a woman who got some intel, wised up and is backing away. Your best bet is to lie low, never bring it up and probably stop diddling around in your so-called “tight-knit circle.” Circles cease to be circles when they become love triangles, and you’ll be the one angling for an exit if the geometry gets wonky.

– Squarely, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I am the only boy cat in this house. This means I get unfairly demeaned by my sisters. They say I stink even though I don’t think I stink. My heart is bigger than my butt, no matter what they say. Besides, I’m doing my best. How do I stop them from using me as a scratching post and earn some respect around here?

– Scratched & Sniffed

Dear Litter Boxed,

This may or may not be helpful advice, mainly because I don’t know if these are real things, but might I suggest some fooch wipes? Perhaps scented ones? Don’t go overboard to Axe-body-spray levels or anything. That’s a solution nearly as bad as the problem. But speaking as a sister here, a little bit o’ gentle cleansing will do wonders for your image. Your place on the totem pole might not change, though; brothers belong at the bottom, as purrrr usual.

– Catnipped in the bud, Rachel