What would Jeeves do, hot stuff and rack envy

Dear Rachel,

Wait, eBay is still a thing? I mean, I never heard about it going away, I just haven’t thought about it as a thing in, I don’t know, 10 years? I had no idea people still go there, let alone have whole side businesses of selling crap from their attic. Now I’m wondering what other relics are still out there operating on the interwebs. Like, is Geocities still a thing? What about Ask Jeeves?

– Web Crawler

Dear Dial Up,

Ask Jeeves has been entirely replaced by Ask Rachel since 2016. Answers are a little slower with Rachel than with your archaic modem, but on the flip side, they are far more useless. I got curious and went to eBay just to search “Durango Telegraph,” and lo and behold, there’s that book of Shan Wells’ cartoons from the aughts called Bush’s Nose. Which just proves that eBay is alive, well, vibrant and necessary to our ongoing national discourse.

– Suck it Jeeves, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I remember when I was a kid in summer, things being hot was a real and constant danger. Seat belt buckles were hot. Slides were hot. Toys were hot. Pavement was hot. And I didn’t care. Now, I complain that everything is hot. But no one thing is as hot as those things were when I was 8. How did everything get cooler while I got more intolerant to the hot?

– Can’t Take the Heat

Dear Hot Stuff,

Hot metal was omnipresent, man! I still don’t know how I’m not permanently branded by the Plymouth icon on the seatbelts in my mom’s van. Maybe we were just stupider then, you think? “Ooh, hot metal, let me stick my tongue on it and see what happens, hey whaddya know that burned, and now I can’t taste my mac and cheese for a week.” Same thing with playground equipment and chain link fence posts. It sucked.

– So metal, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As I ride around Durango on my e-bike I see a lot of bike racks on the back that cover the rear license plate. Do the city officers give out tickets as they are to be displayed? Or just look the other way? Maybe someone could make one that shows the plate. Can you please rack your brain to answer the question?

– Rack of Blues

Dear Sad Rack,

Wow, never have I had so many chances to make a joke about my rack, yet felt so gloomily unmotivated to crack them. Since you don’t have a rack, however, I recommend that you stop riding around while staring at other people’s. It’s rude to wonder about what’s underneath there, and who are you to judge? Maybe you should find out yourself: go get an e-bike rack on eBay and e-lucidate your e-nquiry.

– E-nough, Rachel