Woeful wipers, book bandits & space junk spangle

Woeful wipers, book bandits & space junk spangle
Dear Rachel,
I do not understand cleaning cars, so I choose not to. It feels like a huge waste of water in a time we need to be conserving our resources. Plus, it’s literally going to get dirty again right away, with all the dirt roads I have to traverse, and with a dog in back to boot. But I just got guilt-tripped by a dear friend I gave a lift to, who said my car was embarrassing inside and out. Is there some good reason to clean I haven’t considered?
– Au Naturel
 
Dear Dirt Cheap,
The best reason is the one your friend gave you: it’s embarrassing. You want to ever get laid again? I mean, by someone with standards? Because let me tell you, I have seen some cars (and some bathrooms) that belong to couples who are clearly procreating despite the muck. I’d say no judgment, but I’m totally judging: if you can’t even wipe your windshield, what hope is there that you’re wiping anywhere else?
– Scrub that thought, Rachel

Dear Rachel, 

I used to be a real friendly guy. I’d share the shirt off my back. But then my friends started returning my books I’d loaned them (if they returned them at all) with the spines broken and the pages creased and sometimes even water damaged. It’s enough to make me lock up my worldly possessions. Who destroys a book? I’m not insane for wanting my books returned intact, am I?
– Dog Eared
 
Dear Public Library,
You need to flip your script while flipping your frown. Those books are well loved! I, too, understand the joy of a pristine book. I keep mine that way. But I also have books I’ve read the pages clean out of. If you’re going to be so butthurt about friends actually returning your books, then I might recommend buying yourself a keeper copy of every book you want on your shelf. Or else finding more illiterate friends.
– Read my lips, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just learned about space dust, all the little pieces of outer space that come down to earth every year and settle on all my picture frames. I already hate dusting. But now I think it’s more considerate if I don’t dust. If I had moon rocks, I’d want to display them. So why shouldn’t I want to display my microscopic moon rocks?
– Nitty Gritty
Dear Moon Shot,
We need to get you together with the dirty car guy. (Man or woman, doesn’t matter.) Don’t let the word slip that it’s drops of Jupiter in our cars and bookshelves in addition to our hair, or no one will ever clean again, and I’ll have to use my snow shovel just to clear a path in my living room.
– Back in the atmosphere, Rachel

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