Write-offs, four-letter words and free samples

Dear Rachel,

I have a sudden and irrepressible urge to lower my annual tax bill. I’m thinking that the spare room of the house is actually an investment property. All these Zoom calls must mean that my haircuts are now deductible. Money’s all made up anyway, so if I drop a zero there and move a decimal point here, who am I really hurting anyway? Besides, there’s somewhat living proof that I’ll never have to pay for my sins. What other tips & tricks do you have?

– Eternal Revenue Service

Dear Tic Tax,

I know nothing about taxes, but I’m in! And you’re in! If we each tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, and so on, then soon everyone will be in and there’s no way the IRS can audit us all. That’s basically the herd immunity everyone keeps talking about, right? Then we can start a huge circle-jerk of deductible expenses. I’ll consult for you, then Jimmy Noname will consult for me, and you consult for him, and we’ll all be rich. Just to be safe, let’s all run for City Council. Because you can’t prosecute a sitting councilmember.

– A non-standard deduction, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I got to thinking about brand names recently. Specifically, initialed ones. Does anyone know what AT&T stands for? Or H&M? I happen to know what BMW stands for, but it could mean Big Machine Wheeeee! and it wouldn’t matter. All these names literally mean nothing … and yet they mean something. I say them and you picture their products. It’s freaking wizardry, man. Like, why do we even use words and stuff? Huh?

– Clever Acronym

Dear Initials,

IKR. Except, you know, every word is an abstract construct that applies meaning similarly to people across a swath of the population. You pretty much just described the magic of language with so much wonder that I can practically smell your kush. What next, a letter about how incredible it is that the light we see in stars up in the sky traveled for hundreds of light-years just to land in your cornea?

– A four-letter word, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s SO COOL that right now you can see Jupiter, Saturn and Mars all in the sky at the same time. You know what’s even cooler? I realized, staring up into the sky at the planets last night, and beyond them the Milky Way, just how incredible it is that the light we see in stars up in the sky traveled for hundreds of light-years just to land in my cornea. It makes me feel so special, almost chosen. Do you feel that too?

– Child of Stardust

Dear Child of the Cornea,

Well, what were the odds of that? Did I miss the free sample day at the dispensary or something? Hate to break it to you, but those stars scatter their light particles like buckshot in every direction. The real wonder would be if the light never reached you at all. I can help you achieve that miracle, all for a simple consulting fee that you can write off as a legitimate business expense.

– Twinkle twinkle, Rachel