Cut to the chase

It’s been eight years since eccentric Santa Fe millionaire Forrest Fenn allegedly stashed his yet unfound treasure high in the Rocky Mountains. Fenn, an 86-year-old Vietnam fighter pilot, self-taught archaeologist and art dealer who thought he was terminally ill at the time, said he hid the treasure as a way to cheer up a recession-weary county. However, he offered few clues as to the whereabouts of the ornate 10-by-10 inch box of valuables, other than to say it is hidden in the Rockies somewhere between Santa Fe and the Canadian border at an elevation above 5,000 feet. He also said it is not in a mine, graveyard or near a structure. He also published nine cryptic clues as to the treasure’s whereabouts in his autobiography, The Thrill of the Chase.

Since publishing the clues, thousands have gone after the treasure, some devoting – and ultimately losing – their lives to find the trove, said to contain gold, gems and ancient artifacts worth more than a million dollars.

Now, it appears that even the 1990s domestic-violence-poster-boy-turned-porn-star himself is getting in on the action.

According to an employee at a local gear shop (both of which shall remain nameless) a man claiming to be John Wayne Bobbitt came into the store recently looking for a grappling hook. (Why anyone would make such a claim is beyond us, making it seem all the more credible.) For those unfamiliar with a grappling hook, it is a clawed contraption that is flung onto rock faces, cliffs and such to secure one end of a climbing rope (think Yukon Cornelius in “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”)

When said employee explained that the store did not sell such devices, adding that they were in fact quite dangerous in the wrong hands, the man claiming to be Bobbitt allegedly played the rich-and-famous-“do-you-know-who-I-am” card.

Then the customer, who was described as “flamingly obnoxious,” went on to divulge that he was in search of Fenn’s treasure, which he believed to be hidden somewhere nearby. Why he needed such a treasure when he was already rich and famous was not explained.

Alas, much like Fenn’s myth of the hidden treasure, we’ll never know if the man really was Bobbitt, nor when or where things will pop up.

In the meantime, here’s part of Fenn’s poem containing the clues. May you beat Bobbitt:

Begin it where warm waters halt And take it in the canyon down,
Not far, but too far to walk.
Put in below the home of Brown. From there it’s no place for the meek,
The end is drawing ever nigh;
There’ll be no paddle up your creek,
Just heavy loads and water high.
If you’ve been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace.