Durango Nuggets

Durango Nuggets

Durango’s Police blotter can be a source of endless entertainment.

People yelling at lamp posts, late night marauders stealing asparagus from home gardens, reports of deadly spirits attacking hotel managers, drunken people atop trees yelling at people down below, a gang of raccoons blocking someone from getting into an old folks home, an unauthorized guy in the middle of Camino del Rio directing traffic. It never disappoints.

Oh, and let us not forget the torrent of late-night crime reported at Denny’s – from the man who refused to come out of the bathroom to the two people arrested this September after trying to “destroy” the restaurant. One of the pitfalls of being (the only) all-night diner.

So, we were a bit taken aback the other day by a blotter item that was truly confounding. According to the report, at 8:45 p.m. on Oct. 30, in the 5200 block of Main Ave, a “DRIVER HAD A CHICKEN NUGGET ACCIDENT CAUSING”

That’s it. That’s all it said. But… the questions! What kind of accident could someone have with a chicken nugget? Even more puzzling, what sort of accident could a chicken nugget actually cause??

Now, Durango Police’s blotter data is intentionally terse, meant to give a quick rundown on the nature of the call should any reporters want to follow up on a particular incident.

And follow up we did.

Cmdr. Jacob Dunlop, being a good sport for this story, went to check police records for more information on nugget-gate. But what he found, or didn’t find, was disturbing. “I don’t have much info on it. No citation, no report.” Dunlop then said, if we wanted, he could follow up with the officer who pulled over the vehicle. And of course we said yes, because what’s the point of this publication if we don’t indulge ourselves every now and then?

With the vehicle swerving and weaving all over the road, the officer on duty put on the emergency lights and pulled the car over, only to find “the lady had spilled chicken nuggets in her lap and that was the reason for the driving behavior.” She was then given a warning to, ya know, not do that, and released without a ticket.

So, all’s well that ends well? No! It turns out after an extensive Google search that chicken nuggets are a scourge on this nation.

• A man in Florida (of course) in 2020 filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s after he broke his tooth on a bone while biting into a Chicken McNugget.

• In 2019, a truck in Alabama crashed and spilled chicken nuggets all over the highway. Doesn’t end there: other drivers then stopped to pick up the nuggets, causing a traffic hazard. The Alabama Sheriff had to warn people eating chicken nuggets off the highway isn’t safe. Oh god.

• And finally, a driver who was dipping a chicken nugget into some sauce while driving hit a parked car, causing his own vehicle to roll. The driver, and chicken nuggets, reportedly all survived.

So here we are, wondering what kind of world we live in, while at the same time, kind of a getting a craving for chicken nuggets.

Top Stories

The silt remembers
12/02/2021
The silt remembers
By Jonathan Thompson / Land Desk

USGS Lake Powell study reveals water calamities of the past

Read More
Don't be 'that guy'
12/02/2021
Don't be 'that guy'
By Jonathan Romeo

Being one with nature is cool, but not a good reason to violate closures
 

Read More
A new spin
11/24/2021
A new spin
By Jennaye Derge

Mural at Durango Cyclery catches more than the eye

Read More
Wreckreation vs. wildlife
11/24/2021
Wreckreation vs. wildlife
By Jonathan Thompson / Land Desk

Backcountry skiers, conservationists lock horns over sheep closures in Tetons
 

Read More
Read All in Top Stories

The Pole

Green for the holidays
12/02/2021

Bona fide sustainability geek Claire Attkisson wants to inspire you to rethink how you shop this holiday season. 

Attkisson, founder and creative director of Live Creative Studio – a sustainable-business marketing and shopping hub – is offering a unique retail experience for those looking to reduce their environmental impact during the holidays. The Zero Waste Holiday Pop-Up event, Dec. 3-5 at the Smiley Building, will feature businesses from around town that are innovating solutions to the environmental challenges we face today. 

Turkey triage
11/24/2021

One Thanksgiving, a few years ago, I sliced my finger on a piece of broken glass while cleaning dishes, requiring a late night trip to Mercy Regional Medical Center’s emergency room to put half of my pinky finger back on.

There, a doctor, making small talk while pumping an alarming amount of anesthesia into my finger, said every year people are admitted into the ER on Thanksgiving for … drumroll please … over-eating. As I waited several hours for the routine procedure of four stitches, and while my partner slept outside in the car with the heat on, I wondered, what is everyone else doing in here?

Just add snow
Just add snow
11/19/2021

Rain or shine (or snow), Purgatory Resort plans to hold opening day this Saturday. As far as what lifts and trails will be open, we’re still in a state of – if you hate bad puns, look away – purgatory on what that will look like.

Southwest Colorado has received little to no early season snow. As a result, Purgatory Resort has had to rely on its snowmaking capabilities to make good on its target to open Nov. 20.

Shining a light
11/18/2021
In this week’s issue, you’ll find a little hello from our newest music columnist, Stephen Sellers.
Read All Stories in the Pole