Touchdown!

Don’t fight it – America has World Cup fever, and, as they say, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Or, in this case, pretend that a little white ball bouncing around the screen, with painstakingly low scoring, is fun.

We kid! We, like millions of Americans on Tuesday, kept the game on in the background at work while the U.S. Men’s Team edged out a 1-0 victory over Iran. And we, like millions of Americans, suppressed a near heart attack in front of our coworkers as the Americans almost gave up a game-tying goal in the last few minutes.

Luckily, we as a nation can watch the country’s next match in relative peace, with kickoff scheduled for 8 a.m. Saturday against the Netherlands. Even better: the Animas City Theatre is opening early for a viewing party on the big screen. Doors open at 7:45 a.m., and there’s no cover. But there is, more importantly, a full bar.

Soccer has never been America’s “thing,” per se. I mean, even we had to Google “What is the start of a soccer game called” to make sure we had the proper terminology for the paragraph above. It’s “kickoff,” FYI.

Some more tips:

• Leave the vuvuzela at home; that was a Brazilian thing in the 2010 World Cup.

• Pronounce it “fut-bol” if you want to sound like you studied abroad in Europe for a year.

• When soccer players are on the ground writhing in pain, that’s 100% real.

• If all else fails, the team with the most points win. We imagine the U.S. is dressed in some version of red, white and blue.

• And you know what? Eff it, bring that vuvuzela.