We are not alone

At long last, we have confirmation: Aliens exist, and like most outsiders, they have taken a liking to Colorado.

How do we know? Well, a reputable article in the always truthful New York Post reported that mysterious “UFO” sounds were recorded under a lake in Steamboat Springs earlier this month, setting off wild speculations that we are in fact not alone in the universe.

The New York Post – known for crack coverage of Christina Aguilera’s latest fashion faux pas and deep dives into how bad the New York Jets are at football – also is one for juicy tabloid headlines: “Mysterious sounds heard underneath frozen lake in Colorado spark alien conspiracy theories.”

Well, if we have to send a message out to the rest of the country about what’s going on in Colorado, this maybe isn’t a bad tactic to make the state seem less desirable to move to?

But anyway, how did this all start? Well, Colorado Parks and Wildlife posted to Twitter on Dec. 2 video of “Star Wars” like sounds coming from the bottom of Steamboat Lake State Park. Was it alien invaders? No. Was it just ice shifting and making creaky sounds? Yes.

But of course, that’s if you believe in “ice” and  things like “science.” Instead, the video was posted on the website “UFO Sightings Daily,” which is apparently a thing, and the theories got weird.

“The signals point to there being an alien base deep below the lake, which amplifies the sounds below due to it being frozen,” wrote Scott C. Waring, one of the leading minds in whackadoo alien research, who lives in Taiwan. “Alien bases are never small. Most are 3-6 kilometers deep and cover an area of five kilometers.”

It unfortunately goes on: “A loud enough speaker placed in a dug out ice hole at the center of the lake would be sufficient to send them a sonic signal. But… in the wrong hands, it could cause an alien military response.”

Now, we’re no dummies for crackpot theories or QAnon/pizzagate/baby-eating-Democrat plots. But... what if there are aliens underneath that lake and everyone is just making a big joke out if?

So we asked CPW spokesman John Livingston if any investigations have been launched to just make extra sure. “CPW cannot confirm any presence of alien activity at Steamboat Lake State Park,” he said. “No extraterrestrial creatures have obtained camping permits for any of the park’s beautiful campsites or cabins.”

Hmmm, smells fishy. Or maybe this YouTube commenter on the video has it right.

“That’s the sound the McDonald’s ice cream machine makes to let you know it’s out of order.”