We are not alone
At long last, we have confirmation: Aliens exist, and like most outsiders, they have taken a liking to Colorado.
How do we know? Well, a reputable article in the always truthful New York Post reported that mysterious “UFO” sounds were recorded under a lake in Steamboat Springs earlier this month, setting off wild speculations that we are in fact not alone in the universe.
The New York Post – known for crack coverage of Christina Aguilera’s latest fashion faux pas and deep dives into how bad the New York Jets are at football – also is one for juicy tabloid headlines: “Mysterious sounds heard underneath frozen lake in Colorado spark alien conspiracy theories.”
Well, if we have to send a message out to the rest of the country about what’s going on in Colorado, this maybe isn’t a bad tactic to make the state seem less desirable to move to?
But anyway, how did this all start? Well, Colorado Parks and Wildlife posted to Twitter on Dec. 2 video of “Star Wars” like sounds coming from the bottom of Steamboat Lake State Park. Was it alien invaders? No. Was it just ice shifting and making creaky sounds? Yes.
But of course, that’s if you believe in “ice” and things like “science.” Instead, the video was posted on the website “UFO Sightings Daily,” which is apparently a thing, and the theories got weird.
“The signals point to there being an alien base deep below the lake, which amplifies the sounds below due to it being frozen,” wrote Scott C. Waring, one of the leading minds in whackadoo alien research, who lives in Taiwan. “Alien bases are never small. Most are 3-6 kilometers deep and cover an area of five kilometers.”
It unfortunately goes on: “A loud enough speaker placed in a dug out ice hole at the center of the lake would be sufficient to send them a sonic signal. But… in the wrong hands, it could cause an alien military response.”
Now, we’re no dummies for crackpot theories or QAnon/pizzagate/baby-eating-Democrat plots. But... what if there are aliens underneath that lake and everyone is just making a big joke out if?
So we asked CPW spokesman John Livingston if any investigations have been launched to just make extra sure. “CPW cannot confirm any presence of alien activity at Steamboat Lake State Park,” he said. “No extraterrestrial creatures have obtained camping permits for any of the park’s beautiful campsites or cabins.”
Hmmm, smells fishy. Or maybe this YouTube commenter on the video has it right.
“That’s the sound the McDonald’s ice cream machine makes to let you know it’s out of order.”
- Outstanding waters
- By Jonathan Romeo
At a time when water in the Southwest is becoming increasingly scarce, more than 20 streams in the region are being proposed for protective safeguards in an attempt to preserve the waterways for years to come.
- Read More
- Off-grid living
- By Jonathan Thompson
And as I sit here typing these solar-powered words, I am convinced the desert-lovers’ dream of a solar array on every rooftop, obviating utility scale solar installations on wild lands, is attainable.
- Read More
- Marshall Fire, in context
- By Jonathan Thompson / Land Desk
Redefining the wildland-urban interface and the notion of fire season
- Read More
- Snow brains
It happened – astonishingly – again. Recently, another big truck went off a main highway in Southwest Colorado, apparently trying to take a “short cut” led by a GPS system, and became stuck on a narrow mountain road.
- Shop & Ski
If I’ve learned anything about my homeland of New Jersey, it’s that my people don’t like being outside, and we’ve a long history of recreating the natural world in an indoor setting to better suit our delicate sensibilities.
- Durango's 11
Put this in the strange crime file. Over the holiday weekend, two people suspected of breaking into and living in a closed downtown Durango motel came up with rather bold explanations when caught by cops: not only were they authorized to live there, they worked there as well.
- Merry KFC-mas
Dear readers, The Durango Telegraph will not be publishing next Thurs., Dec. 30. We know what you’re thinking: “What?” Or maybe: “You guys publish every week?”