A realistic timeline for bangs

Days 1 - 270: Before undergoing a seismic lifestyle change like getting bangs, a holding period is required for rumination (and chickening out). During this time, you MUST ask every single person you encounter, hey, should I get bangs? You are also heavily encouraged to experiment by bobby pinning the ends of your hair to your forehead, shelling out $3.99 for an app that will cobble together a pale facsimile of you but with chunky, AI-generated bangs, and saving an unreasonable number of styling tutorials that will give you a false sense of security. 

Note: You may revisit this section of the timetable as many times as needed until you actually commit to getting bangs. Be aware, repetition of this stage will come at the cost of the sustained annoyance of your loved ones and may lead to relationship deterioration. 

Additional Note: It is possible to skip the holding period and go straight for the dull kitchen scissors if you qualify for any of the following scenarios. 1.) You just went through a breakup. 2.) The drunk girl in the bathroom said you would look like Dakota Johnson if you got bangs. 3.) You want to piss off your mom, your grandma or a frenemy (who may also happen to be your mom).

Day 271: You did it. You finally booked The Appointment. From now until the moment you sit down in the stylist’s chair, expect to experience undulating waves of pure elation and unspeakable agony. 

Day 275: Consider canceling The Appointment no fewer than seven times. Frantically text everyone in your contacts list to ask if they think you are making a huge mistake. Take comfort in their words of wisdom: it’s just hair; it’ll grow back. 

Day 277: Tomorrow is The Appointment. You will lose sleep obsessively worrying that your new hairdo will make you utterly indistinguishable from Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber. Remind yourself: it’s just hair; it’ll grow back.

Day 278: Oh, dear GOD what have you done?! Your hair is so short, it will NEVER grow back! Someone get you a Speedo and a silk robe because you might as well be one of The Iron Claw’s long-lost Von Erich brothers! Even Courteney Cox had better bangs in Scream 3! You are going to be hideous FOREVER!!!

Note: This phase in the process is inevitable and necessitates shock, devastation and absolute mourning. Do your best to hold back the tears and nod enthusiastically when the hairdresser asks if you love it. Bring sunglasses so you can cry in the car on the way home. 

Days 279 - 282: Over the next few days, avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. Curse everyone who ever said you would look good with bangs. They are all liars. Especially that girl from the bathroom. Google “how long until bangs grow out” every hour on the hour. Consider faking your own death (but find a suggested memorial photo of yourself pre-bangs to share in the obituary). 

Day 283: After multiple days of avoiding your reflection like a vampire and donning more hats than you have ever worn in your entire lifetime, you may once again consult a mirror and discover OK, alright, it’s not as bad as you thought. You can work with this. At this point, you will be resurrected from your cosmetological crucifixion, officially a Bangs Girlie. 

Days 284 - 325: As stated by Voltaire (or Spiderman’s uncle – take your pick), with great power comes great responsibility. And bangs are both a great power and a great responsibility. You will spend this time acquiring six new hot tools (three of which will be utterly useless on your hair type), learning to style your bangs to get that effortlessly chic aesthetic. Do not be fooled. The process involves much effort. Budget anywhere from 20 minutes to six hours to do your hair now.

Day 326: You finally achieve bangs-styling perfection. Determine you are the most attractive individual that has ever lived. 

Day 327: Your hair has grown past the limits of your styling abilities. Determine you are the ugliest individual that has ever lived. (Now is a good time to revisit that idea about faking your own death.)

Day 328: Your friends and family are at the end of their emotional rope. You have third-degree burns from your curling iron. You wake up every morning looking like Rod Stewart. Maybe it’s time to let the bangs grow out…

Day 329: See a selfie from that one day when your bangs were cooperating and you looked super duper cute. Book a trim with your hairdresser. 

Day 330: In the distance, a chant echoes, one of us, one of us, one of us. You restart the timetable from Day 271, knowing you are destined to continue the cycle in perpetuity. You will never escape. You are a Bangs Girlie.

– Addyson Santese