Cast of characters

• Bart Simpson, Secretary of State - The seniormost position in the President’s Cabinet should be reserved for one who can match the diplomatic acuity of the commander-in-chief himself, meaning a bratty, misbehaving child is perfect for the job. Conveniently, 10-year-old Bart already espouses Trump’s goal of mass deportation: “Hey immigrants, beat it! Country’s full!” 

• Mr. Monopoly, Secretary of Treasury - If anyone knows a thing or two about anticompetitive conduct and Get Out of Jail Free cards, it’s Mr. Monopoly. After all, he’s been hoarding property, jacking up rents and driving opponents into bankruptcy since 1940. The real estate tycoon will protect the interest of America’s billionaires by making sure the 1 percenters never have to pay taxes again.  

• Cap’n Crunch, Secretary of Defense - A decorated maritime war hero, Cap’n Crunch is a true patriot who has never dodged a draft. This famed adventurer and breakfast connoisseur will protect our great nation against all enemies including mildly soggy cereals. 

• She-Hulk, Attorney General - With 45 years of experience as a criminal defense attorney, She-Hulk is already more experienced than Matt Gaetz for the President’s main legal advisor. She may be 6’7” and green, but she’s never been accused of sex trafficking, drug use or getting plastic surgery to trick teenage girls into thinking she’s a viable dating option.

• Elmer Fudd, Secretary of Interior - An avid yet inept hunter, Elmer Fudd plans to work closely with the NRA to legalize hunting throughout our beautiful country’s national parks and forests. Under Fudd, all citizens will be issued a double-barrel shotgun and a box of shells upon entry to public lands, assuming they accidentally left their gun behind at the nearest elementary school. 

• Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber, Secretaries of Agriculture - When it comes to the safety and regulation of food production for the American people, there’s no better option than a sentient, God-fearing tomato and cucumber. Much like the joint appointment of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy for the Department of Government Efficiency, both Bob and Larry are needed to do the job of one person.

• Tony the Tiger, Secretary of Health and Human Services - He’s sexy. That’s the entire justification. This jacked Italian-American tiger can bench 535 lbs and steal your girl, which is exactly what Health and Human Services needs in its rebranding era. Who cares about Medicaid, welfare or Social Security when you’ve got the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in fur? Make America hot again!

• Bob the Builder, Secretary of Labor - Despite his on-screen can-do attitude, Bob is known in political spheres for his strong anti-union track record. In this position, the general contractor would seek to eradicate not only foreign day laborers but also humans, voting in favor of a workforce comprised entirely of anthropomorphized construction vehicles to increase efficiency and reduce labor costs. 

• Scrooge McDuck, Secretary of Commerce - McDuck has been pro-tariff and anti-international trade since he left Scotland and found his first gold bar in the Klondike in 1902. This adventure capitalist waterfowl is so financially successful, he has a gold-filled vault the size of a swimming pool, and you can bet he didn’t amass that wealth through fair trade.

• Princess Tiana, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - In the eyes of the Trump administration, “urban” and “Black” are basically synonymous, plus we were told we needed to nominate at least two women for the Cabinet. Ugh. Anyway, if lower-income Americans want affordable housing, they should just follow Tiana’s lead and marry rich. 

• Barney, Secretary of Energy - As a 68-million-year-old dinosaur, Barney the Tyrannosaurus rex knows that green energy is a hoax created by the libs just like climate change. Solar, wind and hydropower all pale in comparison to the dominance of fossil fuels in his opinion, and he’ll do everything in his power to keep this country reliant on obsolete energy sources until the sixth extinction. 

• Popeye the Sailor, Secretary of Veterans Affairs - The only thing bigger than Popeye’s arms are his plans to gut veterans’ benefits and health care. Thanks to Popeye and RFK Jr., the brave men and women who have served our country can look forward to adult-onset polio along with a new, nationwide substitution for medical care: canned spinach.