Hope & grit

One way into the future

It’s happened. After years of delaying several projects and updates, I caught the rejuvenation bug. There have been times over the last few years when something breaks, and I think, “I better hold on to this until I can fix it.” Or times when I’ve purchased furniture thinking, “This will make a fun project someday.” Well, someday is today and let me tell you – I have quite the backlog of projects! And although I’m knee deep in several tasks in a studio-sized apartment, I’m happy that the day finally came.

I’ve been contemplating as to why I’ve shifted from simply wanting to do these projects to actually doing them. I think there are several reasons, the first of which may be a new appreciation for longevity. When I was a teenager, aging felt like a finish line that I couldn’t wait to cross. Getting older meant coming and going as you pleased, less people telling you “no,” and a job that gave way to the car and house of your liking. I treated my youth as a nuisance – like it was in the way of who I wanted to be.

And to an extent, it was. Being my queer self might have been dangerous while I attended school in Farmington and Texas in the mid-2000s. It was only in adulthood that I could live as an out gay man. But now that I’m two weeks away from my 36th birthday, I want the years to last as long as possible. And yet, they seem to be passing by quicker than ever. If I had known when I was younger that this phenomenon was going to happen, I would have enjoyed the time more. However, being more financially responsible and emotionally mature than I was then makes it feel as if I’m in a sweet spot of adulthood. And if I don’t get going on these projects now, then when?

However, with this new load of tasks, my joints are starting to hurt in odd places, and I’m staying sore longer than before. There is plenty of research that finds physical activity is beneficial in relieving – and in some cases preventing – age-related issues. Varying from staving off arthritis to improving mental health, the benefits of staying active are far reaching and numerous. Although I haven’t quite reached the point of hitting the gym, I’ve been able to become more active while also doubling my step count from what it was last year. For me, these projects have eased me back into a more physical routine, where longevity and wellness are the goals.

I feel that in these socio-political times, staying busy and hopeful is an act of resistance. I think it is more important than ever to keep doing the things that bring me joy, whether it be these delayed projects or creating new long-term goals. By doing so, I feel like I develop the grit needed to get through the moments when hope feels diminishing. With these two feelings in hand, hope and grit, I feel like I can overcome any obstacle, big or small. 

There is a story in my family about one of my great-great-grandmothers who was being taken to Bosque Rodendo on the Long Walk in the 1850s. She was able to escape, her legs taking her back home in the direction of the setting sun. Once, when I was running and exhausted during track practice, I heard a voice in my body repeating the phrase, “Don’t stop. You can only keep going.” With the voice getting louder, the fatigue faded, my pace quickened, and I finished feeling lighter than before I started. Afterwards, I wondered what that was – a runner’s high?

I felt then, and believe now, that my grandmother was speaking an important lesson to me. It’s a lesson that I finally have the capacity to observe, one that saved family, and one that will give me the grit to move forward. Whether I have a list of unfinished projects before me or am facing life-changing hardships, I will remember that I can only keep going.