Make it rain

If you’ve spent any time outdoors in the past two weeks, you might have had this exact thought: Wow, 70 degrees in March? This is nice! Immediately followed by: We are so screwed this summer.

Not only has this winter been Colorado’s warmest on record, it’s also been one of our driest. Snowpack is at a 40-year low, wildfires are already cropping up, and honestly, I think I know who’s to blame for this weirdly warm weather.

Gen Z. 

That’s right. You probably thought I was going to say something stupid like global warming, obviously caused by our incessant burning of fossil fuels, or deforestation, or unsustainable agricultural practices, or all the billionaires who needlessly fly their private jets to commute 17 minutes between their half-dozen McMansions, but no. It’s everyone who was born between 1997 and 2012. You guys are the problem. And the problem is that you’re not dancing enough. 

For the last millennia, rainmaking rituals have been reported all across the globe, and they often involve some kind of dancing. Is it a coincidence that since the digital native generation came of age to party, nightclubs have seen the greatest decline in attendance, and then we “suddenly” had one of the worst winters on record? I don’t think so. 

Gen Z and its aversion to busting a move are singlehandedly ruining weather patterns, but I – a rapidly aging Millennial – have a solution. I’m going to introduce you to 10 tried and true dance moves that will save us from the impending climate crisis:

1. The Electric Slide: This move is the Swiss Army knife of dances. It transcends musical genres, ages and ability levels. You can use it at parties! Weddings! Funerals!(?) Whether you’re line dancing to Shania Twain or tearing it up at the family cookout, you’ll want to have this one in your back pocket. 

2. The Time Warp: If you’re looking for a dance that conveys heavy sexual overtones in the least sexually appealing way possible, I’ve got you. Nothing is quite as off-putting as a bent-knee pelvic thrust, but we’re not worried about aesthetics when river rafting season is on the line, people. 

3. Flashdance Bucket Drop: Anyone who lives in the West will tell you that slow and steady moisture is better than big sexy dumps. Imagine how much hotter it would have been if Jennifer Beals had been drought-conscious with that bucket of water. 

4. The Macarena: Is this dance interesting? No. Is it fun to do? Not really. Can you do it forever? Yes. And therein lies the appeal of the Macarena. Sometimes it’s not about quality. It’s about how long you can repeat the same four hand motions in perpetuity. 

5. Twerking: Throw it back in the name of precipitation, baby! It doesn’t matter what equipment you’re working with; what matters is what’s in your heart! And my rain gauge. Get on your hands and twerk against a wall if you really want to make it rain. 

6. Cha-Cha Slide: Very similar to the Electric Slide, except this one comes with instructions for the rhythmically challenged. Keep in mind, the more you get funky with it, the more snowfall we might get in April. Take it back now, y’all. 

7. The Moonwalk: You might end up squealing your shoes across the hardwood like you got floor seat tickets to a Nuggets game when you try this one, but that’s OK. Pretty much no one can do the Moonwalk (even if they swear they can). Same goes for The Worm. 

8. The Sprinkler: Place one hand behind your head, extend the other arm, and rotate at the waist. That’s it. It’s so simple your grandma could do it. And she probably did do it back in the ’70s when the world had novelty disco dances and 21% more annual snowpack. 

9. The YMCA: Are we sensing a theme here? Clearly, the dances with the most staying power are the ones that tell you exactly how to do them. No ambiguity. No frills. Nothing too complicated. What could be simpler than spelling letters with your arms? Certainly not dying from the water wars! Now get out there and start spelling some acronyms! Seriously. Do it now. 

10. The Charleston: Avoid this dance at all costs. The Charleston’s popularity had a measurably negative effect on cumulonimbus cloud formation in the 1920s, directly leading to the Dust Bowl Era of the 1930s. And don’t even think about doing any cheeky finger-waggling.

So there you have it. And listen, I get it. Drinks, Ubers and cover fees are expensive. It’s easier to stay home, doom-scrolling and binge-watching “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.” But for the love of God, I beg of you: get low. From the window to the wall. Dance ‘til the sweat drops down your balls. Please. We need the moisture.