Now hiring: meter readers 

Job Description: Meter readers comprise an elite parking ordinance enforcement unit designed to protect the public from the ever-present threat of poorly parked cars and dilly-dalliers. Specially trained at a caliber akin to the Navy SEALs, local meter readers patrol the streets in search of infractions and eliminate targets with timely precision. When required, the execution of these duties will be swift and violent. It is through our issuance of parking citations that we maintain the thin line between civilized order and complete societal collapse. As our motto clearly states, “No Mercy, No Exceptions.”

Responsibilities:

• Patrol an assigned area roughly the size of the average mountain lion’s territory on foot to ensure public compliance with existing parking ordinances

• Collect valuable intel on everyday drivers’ habits through covert reconnaissance missions 

• Screen for parking placards and permits using enhanced technology such as night vision goggles or thermal imaging

• Utilize a handheld computer to remorselessly ruin a stranger’s day

• Monitor on-street meters for vehicular offenses, including but not limited to: violating a timed parking limitation; stopping in a restricted area; parking on private property without permission; having another parking ticket on your windshield that was issued by someone else five minutes ago that you haven’t had a chance to pay yet; parking too close to a curb; parking too far from a curb; parallel parking; not parallel parking; parking during a leap year; parking.

• Issue citations for offenses to the collective public eye such as truck nutz, car eyelashes or too many rubber duckies on a dashboard (one citation per duck)

General Requirements: Valid driver’s license

Skills:

• Demonstrate a constant sense of urgency

• Not easily persuaded (i.e. under the duress of extreme emotional manipulation or even physical torture such as waterboarding, meter readers stand resolute in their delivery of parking citations, never redacting fines)

• Operate under a strict code of ethics with no room for leniency 

• Ability to endure rigorous physiological demands in service of daily quotas

• Inability to resolve customer complaints 

Physical Requirements:

• Must be in peak physical condition with prior placement in competitive race walking at either the national or international level

• Ability to cover a distance equivalent to 2.5 ultramarathons per day, no breaks

• Basal body temperature impervious to inclement weather such as rain, sleet and snow 

• Visual acuity better than 20/20 to detect parking infractions from a mile away

• Recently passed the Marine Corps Combat Fitness Test in case of disorderly civilians

• Have an internal time clock so precise you might actually be a robot 

• No history of hay fever, asthma or allergies after age 12

Benefits:

• Free company-issued tactical shorts (no, we do not issue pants, long-sleeve shirts or jackets, just the shorts, which must be worn in all weather conditions) 

• Access to unlimited Vitamin D

• Discounted sunscreen 

Preferred Qualifications:

• Childhood history of serving as a hall monitor

• Prior experience in roles at organizations such as the CIA, FBI or IRS (recently laid-off government employees will receive priority consideration)

• Accreditation as a board-certified professional surveyor with the ability to calculate position points on the Earth’s surface to measure the precise distance between parked cars and stop signs

• 10-second 100-meter sprint time, should a parking meter violator decide to flee on foot

• Illegible handwriting

In summary, meter readers have the kind of mental and physical fortitude that few possess, including unquestionable moral fiber and an unshakeable affinity for rules. If you think you could be one of the uncommon few, inquire at your local Transportation Department today. The weak need not apply.

– Addyson Santese