"Oh snow you didn't"

Every year, right after the new Snowdown theme is announced, people start griping. It’s always, “how the hell do you pronounce ‘Sesquicentennial?’” Or “do these people really expect me to find an Elizabethan Era costume at Goodwill?” Or “why did we do a 1980s theme, but my 1380s theme submission keeps getting rejected?” But you know what? It’s hard to come up with an idea everyone likes! 

Take it from the event’s original organizers. Even they struggled to generate creative steam, given that 1979’s inaugural theme was “A Winter Celebration” and 1981’s was “Celebrate Winter.” By Snowdown’s fourth year, they just said fuck it, and went with “No Theme!” That’s how difficult y’all are to please. 

Well, I’m tired of the complaining. In the spirit of coming together, here are a few Snowdown ideas I think everyone will unanimously hate. 

• Corporation Appreciation: Show some love to the conglomerates actively working to eliminate the middle class and strip people of their basic human rights for a few bucks’ profit! All costumes and Snowdown-related paraphernalia have to be ordered through Amazon, and you absolutely must select the nonconsolidated packages option to increase your carbon footprint. Competitions will include who can package the most orders the fastest without getting an industrial-grade cardboard cut, and who can hold back tears while telling their family they’re part of the 16,000 employees who were recently laid off. Billionaires are people, too!

• Spandex, Lycra and Nylon, Oh My!: Whether it’s skiing or cycling, Durango would be nothing without its skin-tight-clothing-loving athletes. But why let the athletically inclined have all the fun? For this theme, everyone is required to wrestle their bodies into a two-sizes-too-small singlet without the assistance of extra hands or baby oil. You’ll get an upsettingly intimate view of your friends, family, neighbors and coworkers while baring your soul (and maybe your camel toe). No sock padding allowed. 

• Ghosts of Gas Stations Past: Back before every gas station in Durango became a Marathon or a Speedway, we used to have some variety in our choice of fossil fuels. Pay homage to the good old days by dressing up as your favorite defunct gas station. Imagine all the cute shells, giants and dinosaurs walking around! The only downside is the beer at every event will be replaced with gasoline. 

• Old Flames, New Sparks: Remember the worst person you’ve ever dated? Like that one person who was so heinously awful in every way imaginable, you can’t believe you spent a single second with them, let alone actually dated them? You get to spend the entirety of Snowdown handcuffed to that person. Instead of Follies, former couples will go onstage to rehash old fights, like whether one (or both) of you has narcissistic personality disorder or if the dog you owned before meeting your ex should have gone to them in the breakup, because they developed a “spiritual bond” with Muttley Crue. A winner will be crowned in each argument (even though your therapist says arguments don’t work like that).

• Childless by Choice? Not a Chance!: If you’ve done some careful life planning and decided that childfree is the way to be, well then, this theme’s for you! Every adult who does not have a child of their own will be assigned an unreliably potty-trained toddler who’s hungry, tired and somehow stuck a bead up their nose. You’re not allowed to get even a little buzzed at Snowdown, because you have to be vigilant about Timmy finding pebbles to cram in his nose. Most of your week will just consist of removing objects from nostrils. 

• Road Work Ahead: In addition to Snowdown themes, another thing locals have a lot of heated opinions about is roadwork. How ’bout instead of running your mouth over on the Durango Herald’s Facebook comments section, you pick up a shovel and get to work? Hi-vis orange vests, rough jeans and gascan sunglasses are the only legally acceptable costumes for this theme since everyone will technically be working for CDOT. Events will include competitive pothole filling and a human wheelbarrow race where the person on the ground has to repaint road lines as straight as possible. By the end of the week, Dysfunction Junction will be no more. 

• Soberdown: Yes, Snowdown has traditionally served as a weeklong excuse to get completely obliterated, but you know what we all need a little more of in our lives? Sobriety. Self-reflection. Think of this as an extension of Dry January, with the added bonus of gripping presentations on 401k contributions, how to calculate the appropriate amount for federal withholding, and convenient stations to schedule your annual physical and dental cleanings all in one go. Start your year off on the right foot by preparing your taxes early! Water and decaf coffee will be provided. 

Your move, Snowdown 2028 Committee … .