Out of order
A POTUS "choose your own executive order" adventure

START: What a beautiful day to be king – ahem, president – of the free(ish) world! You’ve woken up refreshed thanks to the CPAP machine you definitely don’t need because, as your annual physical just declared, you’re definitely not obese, so now you’re ready to get to work, definitely not stripping your fellow Americans of their basic human rights. But before you start signing executive orders with a massive Sharpie that only accentuates the underdeveloped, toddler-like shape and size of your puny hands, you have to decide which orders to pass. This begins with one question: which side of the bed did you wake up on?

If right, continue to Section A. If left, continue to Section P. 

Section A: The picture of health, you hork down two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fish, fries and a large chocolate shake, then hit the office. Not the Oval Office, obviously, but the greens. This leads you to your next decision: which of your resorts should you blow millions in taxpayer dollars to visit today? 

To go to Trump International Golf Club, continue to Section B. To go to Trump National Golf Club, continue to Section C. To go to Trump National Doral, continue to Section D.

Section B: Look, golfing is – your genes for golfing are very good, OK, very good, some of the best – in fact, Tiger Woods couldn’t golf half as good as you – it’s true! – but when you’re a conservative Republican, you’re up one shot – now it used to be three, now it’s four – the liberals, OK, the liberals, they want to make you look bad, but – (remainder of quote redacted for time and clarity. You scored 103 on a par-72 18-hole course). 

To blame your poor golf score on DEI and wokeness, continue to Section E. To blame the scorecard, continue to Section F. To blame the sun in your eyes, continue to Section G.

Section C: The course is beautiful today, but something feels sadly missing. A friend, perhaps? You snap a quick quadruple-chinned selfie, bump up the HDR saturation to make that Day-Glo orange really pop, then send a Signal chat to your BFF Putin with the message: wish u were here <3. Minutes pass. No reply. What do you do? 

To brush it off, continue to Section H. To experience an appropriate emotional response, continue to Section P.

Section D: Swing the club. If you bogey, continue to Section I. If you birdie, continue to Section J. 

Section E: The woke mob has gone too far! They’re taking over everything – the genders, the bathrooms, even your golf scores! Something must be done. 

To focus on anti-wokeness, continue to Section K. To end wokeness forever, continue to Section P. 

Section F: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Any system that ensures fairness, rules or promotes objective truth is bad! Eliminate all checks and balances, starting immediately with the Supreme Court. Let’s see you score anything over a 68 now!

Section G: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Blow up the sun. It ruined your golf swing, so it must be eliminated using SpaceX technology or whatever other wacky Nazi stuff Elon is developing. 

Piggyback your own success of detonating the sun by continuing to Section P. 

Section H: Your beautiful selfie reminded you of how many ugly people there are in the world. Ugh. Disgusting! Surely something must be done to make our country hot again?

To focus on beautifying women, continue to Section L. To beautify national parks, continue to Section M. To beautify the general population, continue to Section N. 

Section I: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Impose tariffs, and immediately return to Section D.

Section J: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Reverse all tariffs, and immediately return to Section D. 

Section K: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Alternative milks like oat, soy and almond are a ploy by the libs to leech strength from our strong bones that may or may not have spurs. Make America Healthy Again! Ban all milks that don’t come directly from a cow’s udder. Teet to table!

Section L: EXECUTIVE ORDER! All women who undergo any cosmetic surgery to look more appealing in the rheumy eyes of the president will receive tax cuts. The more plastic in your body, the more beautiful you become. (Kristi Noem will be handsomely compensated.) 

Section M: EXECUTIVE ORDER! A hundred years ago, the government decided to carve up a sacred granite mountain with the faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln, but you know what would look a lot better? Four of you. Have the monument redone ASAP. Ensure sculptors incorporate lots of bronzer. 

Section N: As you consider how to beautify the general population, one group sticks out to you like a sore thumb. The elderly. They serve no aesthetic purpose, you don’t want to have nonconsensual sex with them, and they suck up the country’s money with their entitlemed. What to do, what to do?  

To fix this blight on society, continue to Section L or Section O. 

Section O: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Eliminate Social Security. If old people don’t have money to survive, maybe they’ll all just die, right? That will solve your problem of being forced to look at an aging woman ever again and simultaneously deal with everyone’s whinging about tariffs and the volatile stock market. Suck it up, geriatrics! 

Section P: EXECUTIVE ORDER! Declare nuclear war.