Wax on

Doug Gonzalez - 10/17/2024

Do you remember your first vehicle? Mine was a red 1999 Pontiac Grand Prix. Once owned by an older sister, it came into my possession when I was a freshman in college. Comparing it to the trucks that my family had, I felt giddy over how much more nimble and speedy it drove. I also appreciated the built-in CD player, the cloth seats in a hot climate and the little silver attachments that covered the gas pedals (which were probably super dangerous but looked cool!)

Although I was grateful to have this vehicle, washing it made me both proud and critical of it. Once the water had been wiped away by a chamois, the cosmetic flaws became even more apparent. The spoiler and roof had sun damage, small trim pieces were peeling away, and the engine light would turn on if a little water found its way into the engine bay. Without a job, I would raid my father’s automotive cleaning products, which consisted of the finest options that Wal-Mart had to offer in 2008, including a wax whose logo is a cute little turtle with a top hat.

Now that I am a person of a certain age who also scrolls through the bowels of TikTok every night, I have gathered a few car cleaning tips-n-tricks. Warning: Use these tips at your own risk. A once-a-month drag queen cannot be held accountable for any damage, swirl marks, stains, lost fingers or overall unsightliness. 

As someone who does not have a hose at home, these are geared toward those who have to visit a car wash bay. If you have a hose, most of these steps will be easy. But if we run into each other in the future, please try not to rub it in that you have BOTH a spigot and a driveway, OK?

STEP 1: Bring coins! I just spent $30 on a wash using a credit card that would have cost much less if I had cash.

STEP 2: Bring a 5-gallon bucket filled halfway with water. You will use this to rinse contaminants off your wash mitt, so you’re less likely to scratch your car. You can also come with an empty bucket, but it takes forever to fill it up. Although car washes do not like “bucket washing,” this is not that. And remember – drive slowly. That’s a lot of water sloshing about in your back seat; it’d be a shame if it spilled and ruined your copy of The Telegraph.

STEP 3: Clean wheels, wheel wells and tires first. These often get the most dirt and contaminants while driving, and it can be incredibly frustrating to finish your car only to see you forgot to do them. For those Jeep and FJ owners out there, don’t forget to clean the spare tire on the back.

STEP 4: I spray the entire vehicle from top to bottom with the high-pressure rinse to move dirt away from the vehicle, followed with a hot-soap spray.

STEP 5: Use the foam spray gun to suds up the entire vehicle! Here’s where the water bucket comes in: After working on a small area, make sure to dip your wash mitt in the clean water so the little bits of grime and dirt get rinsed away. You need to work somewhat fast – you do not want to let the foam dry up, as a dry surface can easily scratch. I would recommend washing the body first, then the glass and then the plastic trim.

STEP 6: Rinse off the soap with the high-pressure rinse, followed with a spotless rinse.

STEP 7: This is relatively new but super helpful: the dryer gun! Use it to dry outside mirrors, wheels and all the nooks and crannies.

STEP 8: Use a hefty microfiber towel to dry your vehicle. Make sure to use the “plop and drag” technique, moving in only one direction.

STEP 9: Dress your wheels and plastic trim. Spray is best applied by dampening a microfiber cloth with it first instead of applying it directly to the surface. For tires, I suggest a dressing that has UV blockers in it.

STEP 10: Do you have faded black trim? Trim restorer solution will do the trick, although I recommend first cleaning your trim with a dilution ratio of 50/50 isopropyl alcohol. Wear gloves, make sure to not do it when rain is in the forecast, and don’t get any on your paint!

STEP 11: Remember to keep your microfiber towels clean! Only wash with other microfiber materials that have performed similar duties and air dry or dry on low heat.

STEP 12: Enjoy your clean vehicle! Now do yourself a favor: come check me out as Brad in this year’s rendition of the cult favorite, The Rocky Horror Show! Tickets can be found at durangoarts.org.

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