You're doing it wrong
If you're not following the gospel of TikTok, you're no one

Addyson Santese - 02/16/2023

Did you know that according to TikTok, you’ve been doing this one thing wrong your whole life? Actually, scratch that. You’ve been doing absolutely everything wrong for your entire life, and TikTok is the only thing that can save your sorry soul now. 

Where would you be without this amazing app providing you with essential content like “Inspiring McDonald’s Hacks” and “Fail-Proof Ways to Know Your Pasta is Done?” Nowhere, that’s where. Think you know how to put a trash bag in a trash can? Think again. You still dump spaghetti into a strainer instead of placing the colander on top of the pot and then pour the water into the sink? What, were you born yesterday? Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing how little you understand about the world, you unbelievably uneducated, living-under-a-rock buffoon. Tsk, tsk. 

Luckily for you, TikTok is here to deliver you into the light. From tips to make cleaning your house a breeze to identifying your unique mental illness with “These Five Easy Tricks,” this app has an easy answer for everything – even the things that should probably be left to qualified specialists! You haven’t experienced inner peace until you’ve watched a preteen demonstrate crucial life skills like how to blow up a dozen balloons at once or soften a stick of butter without putting it in the microwave. 

Look, I don’t care if TikTok allows for third-party tracking of your data or if the people who are making videos on this platform can’t even legally drive yet – they know better than the rest of us. And these geniuses have got a hack for literally every part of the pathetic little life you’ve been muddling through for the past however many decades like a caveman in the Paleolithic period. TikTok taught me how to live. Truly live. Not just survive like an animal. 

After all, that’s what separates us from the beasts, right? Knowledge. TikTok knows all. This great receptacle of human wisdom (collected since 2016) has educated me on all the skills I was already capable of performing, but didn’t know I could be doing even better. 

For example, I’d rather die than go back to eating cereal by putting it in a bowl with milk. Ugh. Disgusting. Nowadays, I do it the simple way. I lay the cereal box on the counter, take a pair of scissors, cut off the top layer of cardboard and slice a hole into the plastic, and then pour milk over the entire thing. Do I finish the whole box of cereal? No. Do I save myself the immense hassle of washing a bowl and a spoon while letting a bunch of food go to waste? Absolutely. This is because I’ve ascended to the highest realm of human intelligence. Einstein could never. 

Honestly, how did you exist before learning that the best way to make mashed potatoes is to put the potatoes in the dishwasher on a quick rinse cycle? It’s multifunctional! You get to soften the potatoes while also covering them in all the chemicals and other gunk that live inside your dishwasher! (Don’t worry – if you need to clean your dishwasher, there’s a hack video for that, too.) Just imagine the prep time you could save at Thanksgiving, and the endless compliments you’ll receive from your curmudgeonly aunt who’s never impressed by anything. 

Truthfully, I think the vast chasm that’s opened up between us all stems from the fact that you don’t learn everything from TikTok the way I do. I also think we probably shouldn’t be seen together anymore since I found out you still tuck in your shirt like a pleb – stuffing the excess fabric into the waistband of your pants like it’s 2015. We’ve evolved past that. We’re more refined as a society now. I’ll never turn my back on tying the front of my t-shirt into a giant knot and stuffing that knot up inside my bra because #lifehack. 

Also, I didn’t want to point any fingers, but some of you have even been wearing shoes wrong. Yes, shoes. And by some of you, I mean you specifically. Whatever it is you’ve been doing, just know that you’ve been doing it wrong. So, so wrong…

The beauty of TikTok, however, lies in its public nature and general accessibility. Anyone can make a profile on the app and spew useless nonsense to the masses. Want to come up with your own viral TikTok? It’s easy. 

Just think of a simple skill you already know how to do efficiently and well, then set up your ring light and camera, and do that exact same thing but make it 10 times more complicated and convoluted. BOOM! Life hack, baby. And hey, when you upload the video, could you pretty please tag me in it so I can share it with all 14 of my followers? My mom is my biggest fan. 

– Addyson Santese

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